A plea emerges from the depths of me, and I wrestle, for I have no answer.
Too many thoughts and yearnings I’ll not have time for.
When will I have time for?
I want to write, to compose, to explore.
To read, to be me, to find more.
Yet the monotony of school takes it away,
All the time and energy I have in a day.
“I’m trapped!”
My yearning to express and create are buried.
Instead, I am left with a lengthy must-do list hurried.
Since when did I dislike this so much?
Homework, studying, even practicing.
I find myself…procrastinating?
But I don’t have time for writing fiction in “free” time,
For to find time would mean more “me” time.
A plea emerges from the depths of me, and I wrestle, for I have no answer.
Will I not have opportunity to do what I want?
Will I be in the workplace just as distraught?
“Do what you love,” I’m encouraged, but that is the thing.
I love to write, to create, make music, and serve the King.
How am I ever to do all that?
Will I have to give it all up?
What if…I hear, and I lower my head.
Maybe surrendering is what I’ll do instead.
So I lay it all down, ready to do anything.
I feel God’s smile, and to him I start to sing.
I have forgotten my faith.
I have lost all patience.
When?
When will I know?
There are so many questions I have unanswered.
Oh ye of little faith.
A plea emerges from the depths of me, and I wrestle, for I have no answer.
Why do you wrestle with yourself? Why do you have to be the one with the answer?
But, Lord, I’m in turmoil!
An ascending d minor seventh chord plays a lonesome scale.
But I’m right here, I will never leave you or forsake you.
Why can’t I see you?
Are you looking?
I pause and the haunting melody stops abruptly.
I take the plea in my hands, one that I don’t even understand, and hand it to him.
Keep on living. Don’t stop all to wait. Trust my timing.
I do not understand what is in the depths of me.
But God created me.
He knows me better than I do.
Let me near.
And so I shall.
Written 1-20-13, Anna Olson
Anna E. Meyer 