Identity in Christ

Print by Jessica Smith. I’ve shared her art before; it’s all over my house. You can browse prints at <jessicasmithart.shop>

Almost a decade ago, I did the “Armor of God” study by Priscilla Shirer with a women’s bible study I was part of. She did not come up with this list by herself but shared it with the participants of the study. I hand-wrote these all on paper last week, but I knew that after my latest blog, I needed to share the hope I was experiencing, too.

My Inheritance and Identity in Christ. This is our salvation benefits package. This is the helmet of the armor of God. So let’s read the list and secure our helmets!

• I am a child of God (1 John 1:12).
• I have peace with God (Rom. 5:1).
• The Holy Spirit lives in me (1 Cor. 3:16).
• I have access to God’s wisdom (Jas. 1:5).
• I am helped by God (Heb. 4:16).
• I am reconciled to God (Rom. 5:11).
• I am not condemned by God (Rom. 8:1).
• I am justified (Rom 5:1).
• I have Christ’s righteousness (Rom 5:19, 2 Cor. 5:21).
• I am Christ’s ambassador (2 Cor. 5:20 0.
• I am completely forgiven (Col. 1:14).
• I am tenderly loved by God (Jer. 31:3).
• I am the sweet fragrance of Christ to God (2 Cor. 2:15).
• I am a temple in which God dwells (1 Cor. 3:16).
• I am blameless and beyond reproach (Col. 1:22).
• I am the salt of the earth (Matt. 5:13).
• I am the light of the world (Matt. 5:14).
• I am a branch on Christ’s vine (John 15:1,5).
• I am Christ’s friend (John 15:5).
• I am chosen by God to bear fruit (John 15:6).
• I am a joint heir with Christ, sharing his inheritance with him (Rom. 8:17).
• I am united to the Lord, one spirit with him (1 Cor. 6:17).
• I am a member of Christ’s body (1 Cor. 12:27).
• I am a saint (Eph. 1:1).
• I am hidden with Christ in God (Col. 3:3).
• I am chosen by God, holy and dearly loved (Col. 3:12).
• I am a child of the light (1 Thess. 5:5).
• I am holy, and I share in God’s heavenly calling (Heb. 3:1).
• I am sanctified (Heb. 2:11).
• I am one of God’s living stones, being built up in Christ as a spiritual house (1 Pet. 2:5).
• I am a member of a holy race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for God’s own possession and created to sing his praises (1 Pet 2:9-10).
• I am firmly rooted and built up in Christ (Col. 2:7).
• I am born of God, and the evil one cannot touch me (1 John 5:18).
• I have the mind of Christ (1 Cor. 2:16).
• I may approach God with boldness, freedom, and confidence (Eph. 3:12).
• I have been rescued by Satan’s domain and transferred into the kingdom of Christ (Col. 1:13).
• I have been given a spirit of power, love, and self-discipline (2 Tim. 1:7).
• I have been given great and precious promises by God (2 Pet. 1:4).
• My needs are met by God (Phil. 4:19).
• I am a prince (princess) in God’s kingdom (John 1:12, 1 Tim. 6:15).
• I have been bought with a price, and I belong to God (1 Cor. 6:19,20).
• I have been adopted as God’s child (Eph. 1:5).
• I have direct access to God through the Holy Spirit (Eph. 2:18).
• I am assured that all things are working together for good (Rom. 8:28).
• I am free from any condemning charges against me (Rom. 8:31).
• I cannot be separated from the love of God (Rom. 8:35).
• I have been established, anointed, and sealed by God (2 Cor. 1:21,22).
• I am confident that the good work that God has begun in me will be perfected (Phil. 1:6).
• I am a citizen of heaven (Phil. 3:20).
• I am a personal witness of Christ’s (Acts 1:8).
• I am God’s coworker (2 Cor. 6:1, 1 Cor. 3:9).
• I am seated with Christ in the heavenly realm (Eph. 2:6).
• I am God’s workmanship (Eph. 2:10).
• I can do all things through Christ who gives me the strength I need (Phil. 4:13).

I hope you didn’t just skim that, either. Go ahead and keep in with your Bible. It’s a trustworthy list from a trustworthy source, God himself. 2 Tim. 3:16-17 says that “All scripture is God-breathed and is useful for reaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the servant of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.” As lies keep trying to fill my head, I have been going back to this list and tightening my helmet. And this helmet isn’t heavy, it’s light. Jesus says in Matthew 11:30 that “My yoke is easy and my burden is light.” I’d sure rather be carrying the hope of scripture around than the heavy weight of this world.

I have shared plenty of scripture in this blog. Lately, scripture and prayer have been my lifelines. What helps pick you up when you’re feeling down?

Be blessed,

Anna

Rolling With It

The year we were married marked the 10th year of me having MS. DrH, the ever-observant one, has been paying attention to try and figure it all out. With all his medical training, he knows what Multiple Sclerosis is. Married to me, he sees how it plays out in my own life. 

MS has been referred to as a “snowflake disease;” no two people have the same set of symptoms, disease activity, and how it plays in real life. I am now 35, and I’ve had MS for 21 years. I have also been married to DrH for more than half of that time. I’m an unusual case. Many of my local doctors and neurologists didn’t quite know what to do, so I was driving 4 hours to the Mayo Clinic almost every month. I was a minor, but when I got to the clinic, I saw an adult neurologist who knew exactly what to do. 

I used to not need a caregiver, then after having a baby, I only needed help with that. I’ve never been able to lift and hold my baby. I sure loved it when she would climb up to hang out with me! I was walking when Lydia was born, but she doesn’t remember that. When she was about 4, I became a permanent wheelchair user. She’s 9 now. 

When Lydia was walking, I trained her to ride on my walker. She was small enough to ride in the basket in those electric carts at Walmart, too. Even though it said “no children in basket,” everyone couldn’t get over how stinking cute she was!

I used to get up and do my own thing. I had my morning ritual involving coffee and quiet time with Jesus. I spent hours playing the piano, to relax me, to worship my God. Things look much different now. I cannot get outta bed myself or even get all the way dressed. I cannot put my hair in a ponytail. The biggest loss, as of late, is that I cannot play piano but for a limited time before my fingers go numb and my whole body is tired. I’ve been crying a lot more in life, and I finally figured out the reason: I am mourning the loss of my abilities. MS is an invisible disease; I’ve never looked sick. But these things are hidden, too. And I hurt. I cannot sit and write for hours. My body is too fatigued to do many things I want to for long. But I’ll figure this out. I always do. (See that pic above? That was me literally rolling with it!) Life is ever-evolving, and taking me with it. So, if you see me crying or sounding like I have a cold, it’s not a cold. It’s grief. 

But God’s got it. He always does. Thank Jesus for that. Now, let’s figure out how to roll with life’s new circumstances.

Anna

Armor Up!

The church is really good at hypothetical things. Hypothetically, if we were on this situation, we should do that. But what about real life application? Are we wearing the armor of God, or are we surrounding ourselves with positive self-talk (selfishness?) that makes us feel good? 

‭‭Ephesians‬ ‭6‬:‭10‬-‭18‬ ‭CEB‬‬ (with comments)

“Finally, be strengthened by the Lord and his powerful strength. Put on God’s armor so that you can make a stand against the tricks of the devil. We aren’t fighting against human enemies but against rulers, authorities, forces of cosmic darkness, and spiritual powers of evil in the heavens.”

Now more than ever, spiritual eyes are being opened. I pray that scales of deception continue to fall off! 

“Therefore, pick up the full armor of God so that you can stand your ground on the evil day and after you have done everything possible to still stand. So stand with the belt of truth around your waist (God’s truth, not your own truth), justice as your breastplate (again, God’s justice- what is holy and what is against?), and put shoes on your feet so that you are ready to spread the good news of peace (gospel-ready shoes: wear the gospel and bring it wherever you go!).” 

These pieces are like a uniform you wear on the sports field. You don’t go and face the opposition without wearing the right gear!

Jessica Smith Art (I have a print of this painting hanging on my wall!)

“Above all, carry the shield of faith so that you can extinguish the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is God’s word. Offer prayers and petitions in the Spirit all the time. Stay alert by hanging in there and praying for all believers.” 

Our weapons include prayer, worship, and praise. The name of Jesus alone can make the demons tremble. Bible verses are like slashes of a sword. Praise surrounds you with the joy of the Lord. As believers in Christ, we have AUTHORITY. Authority to cast out demons, authority to send God’s angels in the direction you need them to go. Ask, seek, knock. It is God’s delight to walk with you through the flames. We are never alone. 

Jessica Smith Art

“Don’t fear, because I am with you; don’t be afraid, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, I will surely help you; I will hold you with my righteous strong hand.”

‭‭Isaiah‬ ‭41‬:‭10‬ ‭CEB‬‬ 

We are equipped with everything we need to storm the enemy’s camp. God has already freed the captives, they just might need physical help to find their freedom. With our gospel-ready shoes, we being Jesus and His freeing truth with us wherever we go. 

Jessica Smith Art

Where is He calling you to go? Prepare the way with prayer. All sports teams need a playbook. Study it. Pray it. Plan, practice. Then execute God’s strategy. It has been working since the beginning of time itself. God’s got a plan. What’s yours? 

Be blessed, my friends! 

Anna

Jessica Smith Art! This one is called “God Is Making A Way Where There Is No Way”

Note: Jessica Smith does prophetic Art. I gravitate towards the woman, because I envision myself marching into battle. As a woman of God herself, she paints many of these. Her paintings include all sorts of people, Aslan or Jesus (the lion king!) the lamb. I encourage browsing her site and making your own art wall! She also has an Etsy page.

https://www.jessicasmithart.shop/shop?sort=name_ascending

This is in my living room!

God Will Heal

“I’ll show them,” I thought defiantly. I’ll show my classmates that I’m not the loser I was in high school. I’ll show my professors that I can complete a music education degree, even if I have to go an extra semester. I’ll show the world that I am not some disabled woman to be pitied.

The sermon this Sunday talked about God’s healings. They can be physical, emotional, financial, or anything else-ful that’s broken. People have been telling me since I was diagnosed that “I’m sure God will heal you mentally so you can cope,” or, “I’m sure God will do something, someday.”

In steps my defiance. I yell at the top of my lungs, “GOD’S GONNA HEAL ME PHYSICALLY AND I WILL WALK AGAIN! WE’LL SHOW THEM, WON’T WE, GOD!?” But this is all about me. I go to a Christian conference, and DrH waits for a phone call or even just a text telling him I’ve been miraculously healed. We both believe it will happen. But this isn’t about us. Healings and other miraculous signs are all about God. THEY ARE ALL ABOUT GOD! Healings show his character, his mercy, and his love. No, I don’t think God wants anybody to suffer from chronic illness or cancer, but we live in a broken world. The state of man has been spiraling downward since the Garden of Eden. Us mortals get sick. We are in accidents. Atrocious things happen. God doesn’t wish for these things to happen.

BUT. He uses these things. In 2 Corinthians 12, Paul talks about asking God to remove the thorn in his side. Only three tines? I’d probably pester a little more than that (and I have, come to think of it). But God declares in verse nine, “My grace is enough for you, because power is made perfect in weakness.”  Paul goes on to say, “So I’ll gladly spend my time bragging about my weaknesses so that Christ’s power can rest on me” (v9b CEB). God uses these things to keep us humble. Without MS, I would be striving to do everything perfect, all by myself. But I have learned that the only One who knows what my body is going to do that day is God Himself. I don’t know if I’ll be unable to sleep because of spasms or so tired that I can’t get anything done. Maybe I’ll have a really good day. Maybe I won’t. Day by day, I can just make plans that I hope can happen (and I’m a very optimistic person). I’m pretty disciplined, so piano lessons always go well. I can push through for just an hour more.

Do you realize that God has the biggest BUT in the world? No, not b-u-t-t (get your heads outta the gutter), b-u-t. He changed EVERYTHING. Abraham only had one (technically, two) son(s), BUT GOD made his ancestors as numerous as the stars in the heavens. Joseph was sold as a slave in Egypt, BUT GOD made him a father to Pharoh himself. David was the youngest brother, who was watching sheep, BUT GOD made him the biggest king that Israel knew. The stories go on and on. (To check out more, open your Bible!)

I can dream up ways God could heal me, but nothing I do will change anything. I keep collecting more diagnoses and taking more meds. BUT GOD. I think He’s gonna surprise even me. I sure hope so!

So, I need to change my mindset. I don’t need to prove these unbelievers wrong. I need to keep talking about God and praising Him. I’ve had MS for 20 years, and I am a full-time wheelchair user. I can’t drive or do much of anything independently. I cannot hold a full-time job. I cannot do so much an able-bodied person could. BUT GOD uses me in other ways. I give piano lessons after school during the school year. I’m active in my church and as an auxiliary member in Gideon’s International. I write letters or blogs of encouragement. I raise my daughter to know God and trust him in everything. That baby was praying confidently by the time she could talk, even though she prefers to pray in her head now. And that’s okay. It’s all okay. I will do my part by being obedient and praising my God and Lord, Jesus Christ. He can keep sustaining me and lifting me up, as He does every. Stinking. Day. I don’t need to show anybody what God can do. I’ll just keep sharing about Him, serving, and worshiping Him every day of my life. Everything else will fall into place.

And when I am healed? Cuz it’s gonna happen. When I am? I will worship the Lord in new ways with my able body! I will find new ways to serve and worship! Because that it our job. How could we not worship so great of a God as ours!?

Blessings,

Anna

Afraid

In the last 5 years, I have become more afraid. I think all of us have. The world shutting down because of Covid-19 certainly didn’t help. Nobody knew what was even going on, really. The world has only become  more turbulent. I have written before about (slowly) going through the book “Unseen” by Sara Hagerty. The chapter I am now in the middle of is called “Holy Whispers.” I’ll just write some of my journal entry around New Year’s.

“God, shatter what I think I know? I do want more of You. So much more. But I tear up writing this, because I am still fearful. What might happen? A death in the family? Something else horrendous? But I DO trust you, God. You love me and want what’s best for me.”

Yet true growth in God requires that our perspective of Him grows with us. Progressively, prayer becomes less about relating to Him as we’re certain He must be and more about seeing His bigness in light of how small and limited we are. We ask more questions, expect more mystery, leave more room for God to overturn our understanding. It’s in this growth that we gladly exchange familiarity with God for the unknowns and His surprises. (Hagerty, 204)

Uff da. I have felt “stuck” for years. I remember back in 2015, somebody at church asked me if I was pregnant because I was glowing. No, I was just on fire for Jesus! I was growing astronomically in my faith, and I was happy all the time. Since 2010, actually. No, I wasn’t faking it. I truly was that happy! I think the fire fizzling out was gradual. It’s hard to journal everyday and have an extended quiet time as my toddler kept growing, kept being busy! No doubt about it, I still love God with my everything. It’s been such a joy to be able to teach my daughter and watch her faith grow, too!

In the chapter, Hagerty talks about prayer. “Prayer laces our hearts to the unseen mysterious God to whom we say, Who You are, God, is more important than what I see in front of me and what others see in me” (Hagerty, 208). People see the MS. The limitations. I no longer am able to do half of what I could do 10 years ago. BUT GOD. He has seen me at my worst, at my best. To Him, I am walking around and healed. And, why am I letting this get me down? God doesn’t want me to focus on the physical. He wants me to focus on Him.

By the time I read the section I’m stuck on now, my heart had been growing. Simmering. (This is why it sometimes takes me so long to finish a chapter!) Hagerty writes, “The exchange with God has become more important to me than His answers. I knew He could answer—He was able—and I was also beginning to trust His leadership enough to know that when He didn’t answer, it was all right” (Hagerty, 209). In my head, I think I’m there. I KNOW that God only wants what is best for me, despite my clumsy and incorrect intentions sometimes. He’s not “out to get me.” Nobody is. On that late December evening when I was frantically journaling while having a beautiful time with God, I wrote, “I want to declare it in all caps: I TRUST YOU, GOD! So, surprise me!”  

Be blessed, my friends!

Anna

Here are some of my favorite verses (and super encouraging):

Exodus 14:14 (AMP): “The Lord will fight for you while you [only need to] keep silent and remain calm.”

Deuteronomy 31: 6 (ESV): “Be strong and courageous. Do not fear of be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.”

Joshua 1:9 (NLT) says, “This is my command—be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.’

2 Chronicles 32:7-8 (CEB), “Be brave and be strong! Don’t let the king of Assyria and all those warriors he brings with him scare you or cause you dismay, because our forces are greater than his. All he has is human strength, but we have the Lord our God, who will help us fight our battles!” – emphasis mine.

Courageous

I have many favorite verses in the Bible, as I’m sure many Christians who grew up going to church do. One of my favorite verses is Joshua 1:9. In the NIV, it reads, “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” When I was a kid, we learned this verse as a song in VBS one year. Then, as half the group sang it again, the other half chanted, “Joshua one, nine! Be strong!” Until the singers finished the verse. But what do these words actually mean? Dictionary dot com defines courage as “The quality of mind or spirit that enables a person to face difficulty, danger, pain, etc., without fear; bravery. I was listening to a meditation by Drew Dickens on this verse in the Abide app, and he explained that in this verse, courage means “trusting God with your physical and mental well-being.” God commands Joshua in this verse to trust him with his entire self. When reading the rest of Joshua, it is not hard to see why. What should we do when we’re afraid? When we’re facing a big army who doesn’t want us to take our promises? Trust God!

Besides being courageous, the verse also commands us to be strong. “Strong” has a ton of definitions. A few of them on dictionary dot com include “the quality or state of being strong; bodily or muscular power. Mental power, force or vigor. Moral power, firmness, or courage. Effective force, potency, or cogency.” Many of us know what strength is. Which team can win tug-of-war? How many pounds can you bench? Dickens says that in this verse, strength is simply “carrying our God’s commands.” That seems simple enough. Unless you think about how stinking hard that is to do sometimes. If everyone is going downstream, and God tells you to go upstream? Do you have the strength to turn around? Despite the stares? The insults? If we initiate following God’s commands, then our courage, or trust in God, will get the job done. We don’t have to worry if we’re strong enough to fight the currents. All we have to do is turn around.

Dickens continues in his meditation that we are not to ignore our fears. That is always kind of convicting for me. Don’t ignore my fears? You mean, actually feel them? Feel scared? Hurt? Angry? Yes. But while we are feeling all these emotions, we simply shift our attention to God. Why, God, am I being admitted to the hospital again? It doesn’t matter, because God is with me, and it’ll be okay. God, I am so angry that my physical energy gives way so fast during my day. That’s okay, because God is with me and carries me on eagle’s wings. I can’t have another child of my own. That’s okay, because God is with me, and he provides.

I had only had Multiple Sclerosis for a couple years, but I knew that this verse was one I needed to carry with me forever. It helped me get through so much of the frustration and anger and physical weakness that came with my diagnosis. And the meds that kept not working, not working. Because just when I thought all hope was lost, a med came out that DID work. And even though I knew a pregnancy would be risky, it was do-able and happened. And my little girl will be eight in a couple months! God has always been with me, and he has always provided. I have no idea what the future holds. But this I declare: I will carry out God’s command to trust him in everything. Joshua 1:9. Sometimes, I think it’s the only possible way we get through this thing called “life.”

Be strong and courageous, my friends! And be blessed,

Anna

I am mom!

When Lydia was born, I struggled when I needed help. I couldn’t care for my own baby? Was I actually being her mom? We had so many different people in and out of the house, as good help was hard to find and keep. But I could walk. True, I needed a walker, but I could get down on the floor and play with my toddler whom I loved so much. We have had “Nana” working for us since just before Lydia turned three. Jenny and Vone are trustworthy women whom I actually like hanging out with!

During this home study process, I realized that I am having the same identity crisis of sorts I had earlier. It kind of hit me this week that I AM Mom. I’m in charge of our household. Lydia needs something specific for school? I will send somebody with money to pick it up for me if I can’t go. There’s a birthday party coming up? Let’s get a present, and make sure that we get her there. I’m putting summer VBS’s in the calendar and registering her. I am still in charge. Things wouldn’t work as smoothly, nobody would remember the small stuff. That’s a mom’s job, right?

I am planning for a baby. For this child who I will get to watch grow. I can do kangaroo care without risking falling or even getting super tired from walking. I’m a wheelchair user now. Lydia doesn’t remember me walking, anyway. I’m a “cool” mom. I get to park in those handicap parking spots. And I tug on heart strings just by rolling across the street. I am planning baby furniture adaptations so that I can easily access and use them, too. I’m a wheelchair user. I’ve been finding others on social media that are out and about, too. I have found great resources. I have a Pinterest board and an Amazon list full of ideas. As soon as we’re given the go, I will round up my engineer friends and modify what we need to.

Another thing I have been struggling with is my chronic fatigue. I know there are other moms that deal with this, too. A wheelchair user who has chronic fatigue? I can only actually be by myself with a child for a couple of hours before I’m exhausted mentally and physically. But…

Since I was first diagnosed with multiple sclerosis almost 20 years ago, I have seen God’s hand in it. He teaches me things (yes, the hard way) that I probably wouldn’t fully grasp otherwise. I love that I get to parent Lydia with another mother in the house. (Mom friends of mine have said, “I want a Jenny at my house!”) Before Lydia was even born, I suffered the depression and isolation of trying to be by myself. I’m an extrovert. That doesn’t go well. I have tried to take on way more than I can handle, and the MS leaves me unable to do even part of it sometimes. We are taught to rely on God for all things. Since I can’t even rely on myself for something as simple as getting around, why do I think I could do anything else myself?

Paul says in his second letter to the Corinthians that he asked the Lord to take away this “messenger of Satan”, who was sent to “torment” him.  “But God said to (him), ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in my disability, in my need of physical assistance, in my chronic fatigue, and so much more. For when I am weak, then I am strong” (2 Cor. 9-10, italics my words). This is my life verse. I’ve clung to it in all of my struggles since middle school. The italicized words vary, but the message never does.

Be blessed, my friends!

Anna

Tears

I cried a lot in middle school and high school. I think I cried every day after school for some reason or another. I was isolated in having been diagnosed with a chronic illness at 13, I never fit in, and the list goes on. Honestly, teenage hormones and angst just suck. At one point, I had a hard shell in public, but it would release in tears in the safety of my home. Nobody could say anything to bother me on the outside. Inside was a completely different story. I made up my mind, probably sometime in college, that I was done with crying. I had cried so much and been miserable, so I was done.

Fast forward to now. I call myself “chronically positive” because I look for the good in everything. Most of the time. I hate when I start to cry. Well, I don’t cry that much at all. But if a story that I’m reading is touching, I’ll start to “mist.” That basically means that I’m tearing up, but it won’t be enough to cry. Even when I’m so incredibly frustrated, I will mist in anger. This home study has been hard. What should have been done and over with months ago is still dragging on for one reason or another. Am I, a wheelchair user, actually fit to parent? AHHHH!

DrH has told me again and again that crying really is okay. Sitting in my counselor’s waiting office on Monday, I read the children’s book, “Why Do We Cry?” by Fran Pintadera. In it, a mother explains to her son all the different reasons someone might cry. “We cry because our sadness is so huge it must escape from our bodies. Because we don’t understand the world, and our tears go in search of an answer. Because we can’t find the right words, and our tears speak a universal language. Most important, she tells him, we cry because we feel like crying.”

So I found and replicated this Bible art in my Bible art journal. “Why my soul, are you downcast?” asks Psalm 42. “Why has God, my rock, forgotten me?” I felt all the anguish and reasons for crying in high school. Now, I feel like I am just angry. But what right do I have to be angry? (Ask my family, because I play the piano when I have “feeling overload.” I don’t even dare describe it.) As I said earlier, I’m a pretty positive person. I can’t even complain to my counselor without telling her good things that also happened!

In thinking about anger, I looked up what the Bible had to say about that. Matthew 5 says, “But I tell you that anyone who is angry with a brother or sister will be subject to judgement…Go and be reconciled to them.” I never really know where my anger stems from. Too much to do? Too many injustices? Maybe the fact that this MS hinders me a ton? I hate that, too. I don’t even know, and as I mentioned, I dare not describe or identify. But maybe I should.

On Wednesday, I went to the local coffee shop all by myself. I spend hours there with my book, my Bible, and my journal. And it recharged me. The book I am currently reading is called “Unseen,” by Sara Hagerty. I highly recommend it. And, as I’ve noticed in my years of walking with Jesus, when He is teaching you something, everything is all of a sudden relevant to each other. I was reading chapter 5, which talked about Adam and Eve being discovered after their sin. “I was afraid because I am naked.” She points out in the book, why do we hide FROM God when we can hide IN God? Because we are naked and we know it. “I am afraid because You might see me tears.” But we know God sees it all, right? “I am afraid because I am angry.” But God can help with that, too. So that has been my challenge this week. I DO have many feelings. But maybe, I need to hide myself in His chest. I hear that I’m able to hear His heartbeat. God is the God of Comfort and Healing. Hagerty says on page 93 that, “He redefines my circumstances without even changing them.”

So this week, I’m lifting everything to God. My “mists.” My anger. The reasons for it all. This adoption process, which is taking way too long. God sees; He knows. I believe there is a reason for it. Psalm 42 ends with hope, as do most of the Psalms. “Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God.” (NIV)

Be abundantly blessed, my friends.

Anna

As We Wait

I understand my last post was heavy, but the sun is shining again! Lydia has now fixed her language of explanation: “Mom and Dad are adopting me a sister or brother!” And she is also making an adoption plan for a toy that she’s saving up for. After she gets enough money, she is going to “adopt” a stuffed animal Chase from Paw Patrol to play with her stuffed animal Skye the same size. Be still my heart!

As we wait for our last trainings, we are reading a book called “Toddler Adoption: The Weaver’s Craft.” We are not very far into the book, but we realized that back when we started talking about adoption, we were thinking about an older child (but younger than Lydia). We have no idea the child God has in store for us, nor the age by time we welcome him or her into our family. But we are preparing for any child 0-5, because Lydia is currently 6. I didn’t fully understand all the trauma of an adopted toddler, and I still don’t completely comprehend. But one thing I did learn? The Chihuahua we adopted a year and a half ago is showing similar traits. I almost laughed, but I understand our dog so much more! The barking at the people she doesn’t trust, the clinging to those she completely does. The protecting of her “person” (that’s me, by the way…she’s never far off!).

We have decided to begin preparations for our new child. We have a spare bedroom – always meant for kid number two, in my book. Doug and I have been listing ideas how we can “toddler-proof” and clean out the current guest bedroom. The book encourages adoptive parents in their preparation, validating “nesting” before a new child and making it feel more real. I found this poem in the book, as well, and it spoke to my heart.

Song of the Waiting Mother

…

I’m pregnant, but my tummy isn’t growing,

And no one ever calls me ‘little mom.’

The public simply isn’t overflowing

With questions that I’d handle with aplomb.

…

There are no special clothes to mark my waiting.

Nobody stops and smiles as I pass by.

The absence of a due-date is frustrating

And looking at the nursery makes me cry.

…

When I’m overdue no one will worry.

The phone won’t ring and ring as friends check in.

I can’t induce my labor in a hurry,

My new life as a parent to begin.

…

Adoption is a worrisome endeavor,

And waiting all alone is not much fun.

To be ‘with child’ a year seems like forever.

Dear God, we’re ready! Please send us our son!

…

By Christine Futia, 1989

We have a little way to go before our home study even begins, and who knows how much longer until a match is made. It could be fast, or it could take years. The lack of a due-date is frustrating.

In the meantime, I wait. I wait and prepare myself. I wait and prepare Lydia. I wait, as patiently as I can (God help me!). Doug and I are learning. Preparing. And when God says it’s finally time, we’ll be ready.

Blessings, friends!

Anna

Grief and Waiting

Grief. It’s an odd thing. Dictionary dot com defines it as, “keen mental suffering or distress over affliction or loss; sharp sorrow; painful regret.” I’m a typically happy person. I was accused in college: “You can’t possibly be this happy all the time!” But I was. That was a season of discovering myself and growing in my relationship with Jesus in a way I hadn’t before. I know what can happen if I simmer in sadness and isolation, and I don’t want the anxiety or depression to get a grasp on me. I’ve had those seasons, too. It took a counselor in college telling me that it was okay to grieve the MS diagnosis. I think I am re-grieving the diagnosis, the progression, and toll it has taken on my body. When I became pregnant with Lydia, I started using a rollator walker. My spasticity was not good, but I was using it to walk. My spasticity is better now, though I am in a wheelchair all the time. We don’t know what another pregnancy would do to my body. I am stable now, on medication to help. DrH and I have always talked about adopting. Now done with training, we can together focus on doing an application. While doing trainings, it is talked about how adoptive parents may feel grief because they aren’t having the baby. “Not me,” I thought. I haven’t miscarried, nor do I struggle with infertility. But I was wrong about that grief.

I’m not much of a crier, but I was in tears last night. I wasn’t sure where it was coming from at first. DrH and I talked a long time. It’s not only the fact that I can’t have children. Even on birth control, I knew that God can do the impossible. It was a prayer in my heart that I would “accidently” get pregnant again. But God knows what’s best. He always does. And as we’re going through the process of applications, home study, and trainings to take home a child, I have felt a wave of sorrow wash over me. I will not experience the joy of pregnancy. Of keeping track of the growing being inside me. Even with all the hardships that come with pregnancy, there really is nothing like it.

In an article I found on iMom dot com, it gave a list of dos and don’ts for when a woman you know has a miscarriage. The very first don’t on the list was something I do all the time: “Don’t try to solve her pain with platitudes or talking about the positives.” That is my go-to for many things in life. Probably not in the way the article is referring, but I try to bring positives to the light, even if someone doesn’t want to see it. (Yes. I am that highly annoying happy morning person.) That point continues, “Let her come to the bright side on her own.” But that’s hard for everyone. At least I didn’t have to suffer a miscarriage. At least my body is still stable. At least. At least. But I know that God has our next child picked out for us.

The waiting. Oh, the waiting. We can inactively wait, or we can intentionally wait. I found an article on iBelieve dot com that discussed the choice of being stuck in our suffering or intentionally waiting on God. The Bible has so many examples of both. Isaiah 40:31 says, “But those who trust in the Lord will renew their strength; they will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not become weary, they will walk and not faint.” We all know God can do anything. He can turn every situation around, as well. We just need to shift our focus. The article says, “If we can recognize that being stuck is a fragment of our anxious imagination, then we can shift our thinking to intentional waiting instead.” So while I wait, I think I’ll love on my daughter, while she is still the only kid in the house. While I wait, I am going to read my Bible more. While I wait, I’ll be intentional and never lose the hope that our God has for us.

Be blessed, my friends.

Anna