I was created by God. He calls me a masterpiece and his beloved. He calls me a lamb in his flock and he the shepherd. He continually shows himself to me and pours out himself to me. He gives me all that I need; he is my comforter and protector, my hope. My first love. But then I doubted him. I didn’t think he could give me everything I wanted or needed. I cheated on him. I clung to caffeine to supply my energy and thought that I had control over everything in my life. I was the center of it, I had the power. Even when things started falling apart, I clung more and more desperately to the control. I saw God out of the corner of my eye and looked to him to be everything I made him. But I had it backwards. I searched for acceptance by my peers but I constantly felt alone. Depression and anxiety showed their angry faces. I was the youngest person I knew who had MS and everyone else was old and their disease had been progressing for years. I lost hope for the future, all the while fighting against it. Who could love me? Who could understand? There was no one. Nobody understood, even if they tried. I had friends, most on a superficial level. I didn’t even know what I was searching for, but I kept not finding it. I clung to the little I knew about God, not really knowing how to know more. I knew that he died for me, and I had accepted him as my savior, but I didn’t realize the extent. And then. He captured my heart like never before. “Anna, you are my daughter,” he told me. “You are perfect.” What? “I love you, and LOOK at what I’ve done! For YOU! I love you. Will you follow me?” Since then, he’s been showing me what my identity is in him. I keep surrendering control, because it was an illusion I clung so tightly to before. Sometimes, I fight for it again. Sometimes, I show my adulterous heart as I depend on an afternoon coffee for any energy I can get. Sometimes, I turn to entertainment and friends before God. But God is right there, continuing to love me. He desires to be first in my life, and he keeps reminding me when he isn’t.
During my college years (almost four…and counting), I have been involved with a campus ministry called Cru (formerly Campus Crusade). In December, Cru made this video (below) and released it. This week, the Sioux Empire (where I go to school) did an outreach to show this video to as many people as we can. I saw it many times and asked people what they thought of it. What was powerful? What stood out? What is in YOUR search box? Every time I saw it, it impacted me more. Putting a visual analogy to what, exactly, Christ did for ALL of us? Incredible.
The video inspired this post. Watch it. What are YOUR thoughts and reactions to it? Comment below.
Disclaimer: I know I was never truly alone, and my family is the greatest blessing ever. Also, some of these things are out of order, but they did all happen. — Anna 🙂