When Lydia was born, I struggled when I needed help. I couldn’t care for my own baby? Was I actually being her mom? We had so many different people in and out of the house, as good help was hard to find and keep. But I could walk. True, I needed a walker, but I could get down on the floor and play with my toddler whom I loved so much. We have had “Nana” working for us since just before Lydia turned three. Jenny and Vone are trustworthy women whom I actually like hanging out with!
During this home study process, I realized that I am having the same identity crisis of sorts I had earlier. It kind of hit me this week that I AM Mom. I’m in charge of our household. Lydia needs something specific for school? I will send somebody with money to pick it up for me if I can’t go. There’s a birthday party coming up? Let’s get a present, and make sure that we get her there. I’m putting summer VBS’s in the calendar and registering her. I am still in charge. Things wouldn’t work as smoothly, nobody would remember the small stuff. That’s a mom’s job, right?
I am planning for a baby. For this child who I will get to watch grow. I can do kangaroo care without risking falling or even getting super tired from walking. I’m a wheelchair user now. Lydia doesn’t remember me walking, anyway. I’m a “cool” mom. I get to park in those handicap parking spots. And I tug on heart strings just by rolling across the street. I am planning baby furniture adaptations so that I can easily access and use them, too. I’m a wheelchair user. I’ve been finding others on social media that are out and about, too. I have found great resources. I have a Pinterest board and an Amazon list full of ideas. As soon as we’re given the go, I will round up my engineer friends and modify what we need to.
Another thing I have been struggling with is my chronic fatigue. I know there are other moms that deal with this, too. A wheelchair user who has chronic fatigue? I can only actually be by myself with a child for a couple of hours before I’m exhausted mentally and physically. But…
Since I was first diagnosed with multiple sclerosis almost 20 years ago, I have seen God’s hand in it. He teaches me things (yes, the hard way) that I probably wouldn’t fully grasp otherwise. I love that I get to parent Lydia with another mother in the house. (Mom friends of mine have said, “I want a Jenny at my house!”) Before Lydia was even born, I suffered the depression and isolation of trying to be by myself. I’m an extrovert. That doesn’t go well. I have tried to take on way more than I can handle, and the MS leaves me unable to do even part of it sometimes. We are taught to rely on God for all things. Since I can’t even rely on myself for something as simple as getting around, why do I think I could do anything else myself?
Paul says in his second letter to the Corinthians that he asked the Lord to take away this “messenger of Satan”, who was sent to “torment” him. “But God said to (him), ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in my disability, in my need of physical assistance, in my chronic fatigue, and so much more. For when I am weak, then I am strong” (2 Cor. 9-10, italics my words). This is my life verse. I’ve clung to it in all of my struggles since middle school. The italicized words vary, but the message never does.
Be blessed, my friends!
Anna