So, so busy. I hate not being able to, at this season in my life, update my blog consistently. For those of you who have been reading my blog for a while now, you will know that one of the biggest things God has been teaching me over the years is TRUST. I think it started my sophomore year at a Cru retreat called “Fall Getaway” when I realized I needed to surrender all that I was holding onto so tightly. The lesson continued on the first Summer Project I was on as a student when I realized I wasn’t trusting God with the Multiple Sclerosis I have. The year following, I was on fire for Christ, and I could feel him with me all the time. For an entire year, Christ was bubbling out of me as I excitedly dove into a relationship with him I didn’t even know was possible and began pouring my life into others, to encourage their faith. My relationships became more authentic as I hungered for Christ like crazy. And then came this summer, when the feeling of Christ pumping in my veins stopped. All summer, I scrambled to figure out what was wrong. I continued to seek Christ daily and serve him with my all. After Project this summer, I fell into a funk that I didn’t even know I could. I would go in and out, trusting he was there, then again convinced he wasn’t. There have been numerous times where I’ve lifted my eyes off myself and seen his face. That’s all I need. To continually see his face. There have been some really low times this semester, but I began to trust that God was right beside me, even when I couldn’t tell for sure. It’s a new kind of trust, but I like it. I have been learning so much this semester. True, I don’t feel Christ all the time, but I do feel like I know him better and that I am a whole lot closer to him than I was before the first Summer Project I went on. I have come so far in my relationship with the Lord. I still have a long ways to go, and the road will get longer as I continually realize how much I don’t know, but we keep moving forward.
I have been trusting Christ with the “little stuff,” and he’s shown me how huge that is. Not walking well? Having a bad day? Freaking about homework? He can’t miraculously give me the power to teleport or do my homework for me, but he does help with the whole attitude-thing. This last week has been the first in a very long time that I haven’t had time for a quiet time, to get in the word and draw out of it aspects of God and other cool stuff he might teach me through it. But that’s okay, as I trust him like crazy to be right there and teaching me even without the dependability and easy access of the word. One night this week, probably too late, I was having kind of a breakdown. So I opened up to 2 Peter and read all the way through. I found this awesome passage in it, and I texted the reference at 12:30am to my friend Tiffany who replied, “Thanks. Go to bed.” I digress.
TRUST: “Totally Relying Unthe Son Totakecareofit.” That’s not just like giving up and saying he’ll make it work, it’s more like handing him the reins and standing up off the throne of my life and saying, “You do a better job than me at this whole life thing. Even if I don’t like it, I trust that whatever you do is for my good.” Like right now, when I am having the most trouble falling asleep, I trust that after I publish this and go to sleep, tomorrow will be a good and productive day (because I need it). Even if it’s not, I trust that all this work I have to get done will indeed get done before it’s due. (Preach it!)
In writing, I think and remember things better. I have also learned that preaching truth to myself, even though I may already know it, might help me to KNOW it for realz. (This post was as just for me as anybody.)