Smiley Saturday: Analogies

Have you ever thought about analogies?  They make a hard-to-picture scene imaginable, like seeing a movie you have only listened to in the car because you’re driving and can’t watch it.  Even with play-by-play of someone who’s watching it doesn’t do justice when you see in the rear-view mirror jaws dropped as they’re watching.  Analogies make even the weirdest subject, the one that is hard to understand, comprehendible.  Like in theory, when we always referred to a V-I chord progression as the bride and groom.  It is a perfect authentic cadence!  Sometimes, in the middle of the song, the bride would flirt around in a V-vi or V-IV6 deceptive cadence, but always would return to her groom in a V-I cadence.  See?  You don’t even know what I’m talking about, but you get the basics!

I’ve been using a lot of analogies, frankly, because I like them.  I usually go a lot deeper than a one-sentence analogy, but any sort of analogy is pretty cool.  When I googled “anaologies” I found several blogs containing the same list of the “Annual English Teachers’ awards for best student metaphors/analogies found in actual student papers.”  I found one blog that listed 25 funny analogies, cited as “the winning entries in a 1999 Washington Post humor contest, and there are more than 25.”  (That’s where the following list is from.)  I laughed really hard, as one who keeps laughing hours later about the same thing; over and over again she laughs in the silence or sobriety of a moment.  Prepare yourselves:

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a ThighMaster.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

So, I thought I’d share some of my own analogies.  I was actually looking for the perfect analogy when I was writing a paper in high school, so I made a list:

  • I’m as happy as. . .
    • A tornado in a trailer park
    • A mouse in a cheese shop
    • A dog in a squeaky-toy store
    • A bank robber in a jewelry store
    • A rabbit in a garden
    • A crow in a corn field
    • A geek at a Star Trek Convention
    • It needed this like. . .(it didn’t)
      • A pencil needs ink
      • A rabbit needs rabies
      • Soybeans need aphids

So, compared to the previous list, these aren’t that great.  I’ve actually referred back to this list a time or two, although my writing has become “more sophisticated,” like a basketball player who’s gotten taller.  Sometimes when I’m writing, I go for clever stuff that makes you think but laugh when you’re thinking along the same lines as I was when I wrote it.  Then it’s like Jesus’ parables: only for those who are actually listening/reading.  Sometimes, though, I realize it’s better to make sure your readers understand what you’re saying, like a teacher who puts notes on the board in legible writing, with enough time to write them all down before she moves on.

Do you have any clever analogies?  Let’s hear ‘em!

Smiling, like one who squishes up their face when looking into the sun, Anna =)^2

The Story of the Flabble (Remix)

So, I didn’t think the first flabble story was super-greatly written.  So I did one that made me feel better about myself.  I hope you like it!  -Anna =)^2

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Once, living upon an island of which you’ve never heard,

There was a flabble named Lusah with vibrant black hair and wings of a bird.

With feet webbed and hairy, she could glow as well as fly.

But that’s not all—she could at will also change her size.

The village of flabbles was referred to as an eiair.

Life was pleasant, with no dangers to fear.

Lusah lived in an iloe, as flabbles do.

She had a pet yellek who could fly, too.

When she would go outside to give her yellek exercise,

She would ride upon his back so she’d change her self size.

She would go into work and make connections between ibemes.

Every flabble had one, except for the older who hadn’t caught on to new things.

She would eat ralkrs and yelleks when hers wasn’t looking.

One of her strengths, as it turned out, was not cooking.

All of the flabbles did the same thing every day.

No one would get bored—life was just that way!

But one day, as Lusah took her yellek out to fly,

She paused for a moment and wondered “why?”

Why were all the flabbles content with life the same?

Didn’t anybody wonder what would happen if it were to change?

So Lusah DIDN’T connect all the ibemes at work,

And she DIDN’T eat her ralkrs but instead held a smirk.

Soon, others started asking her what was wrong.

When she’d fly or ride on her yellek, she’d be out extra long!

So she aroused the questions in their minds, too.

“Why are we flabbles content with what we do?”

It didn’t take long before the other flabbles sharted changing.

All of their doings, they started re-arranging!

Soon, all the flabbles were having a lot more fun,

And the entire eiair was wondering why this was the first time something had been done!

 

The moral of this story is to keep life interesting.

Don’t lose yourself in boringness but strive for smiley glimmering!

The Story of The Flabble

I recently came up with a new game: do the crossword in the paper as far as you can, and then, when stuck, fill in the blank to make new words!  I have only done this once, but I thought I should justify some of these nonsense words.  Thus, this story was born.  See if you can identify the made up words and their new meanings (there are 20 made up words).

Once upon a time there was a flabble.  The flabble was beautiful, with lime green wings with which she could fly, and vibrant black hair that glowed.  She had hairy webbed feet, and wore a roner, for her hairless arms grew cold at times.  Her superpowers were referred to as velo, for she glowed, could fly, and could make herself bigger or smaller at will.  She could also swim fairly well, but she swam as a swan does—she didn’t always like getting her wings wet.  This particular flabble was named Lusah.  She lived in an iloe made of slibved and olas, which made her iloe a beautiful white that made her black hair pop.  Her iloe was located on an exotic island that we’ve never heard of.  There were many iloo, which housed many flabbles with similar superpowers.  On the island, the village of flabbles, called an eiair, farmed ralkrs, their main food and ingredient in most all the foods they eat.  It is said a flabble can live off of ralkrs alone, but it  is somewhat boring without any other foods with it.  On a typical day, Lusah would wake up early to get ready for work.  She ate some ralkrs that had been lided and mixed with yelleks, which was a type of meat that is often eaten with ralkrs.  Then she would get dressed, pulling on her work roner and ilstes, which are like jeans, but made out of a different material called olour.  Lusah would go the kalma, where she worked every day as a tero.  The job was similar to a telephone operator, but flabbles didn’t have phones.  Each flabble had a ibeme, and Lusah was responsible to make sure they were connected to the right people at the right time and make sure everything was running smoothly.  One day, Lusah was simply tired of her monotonous job as a tero.  So, she went outside.  She made herself really small as she took off into flight.  The air carried her better when she flew as a smaller being.  She hummed the song “Srinc,” which was about being mistaken for something else.  She hoped that if she was spotted, she would be.  Then Lusah decided that she should hide like a fly on the wall and scare her friend Iser, who was working.  Iser was a lobra, or, a person who works in the food department at the kalma.  Iser had the power to detect, which made her really good as a lobra, for she could detect if ralkrs or yelleks were going to go bad soon.  Lusah flew into the kalma, and suddenly grew big and hopped on the floor.  She laughed as Iser jumped.  Then they decided that they both should take a break and went out to play in the sun for a few hours before returning to work.  So they did.  The end.

A Collection of Short Stories

ONE

Once upon a time.  Squrrel.  Me.  Grr.  Ha!  The End.

 

TWO

It was a dark and scary night.  Freaky stories.  Nightares.  Taunting tellers.  Boo!  Ahh!  Mwahaha….

 

THREE

Nice day.  Sun shining.  Running.  Dog?  Being chased.  Faster.  Faster.  Dog gets bored, chases car instead.  Success!

 

FOUR

Singin in the rain.  Caught a cold.  Coughing in the sun.  Bummer.

 

FIVE

Pen out of ink.  Running out of paper.  New pen not as cool.  New notebook blue, not green.  Tune in next time fo