Music and My Soul

Music is a feeling, and it has become a part of me.

I live in different modes and play in different keys.

Though my song started out in a simple major mode,

Since I can remember, I’ve dabbled in a minor code.

The dissonance and tension are pleasing to my ear.

The mysterious and dramatic are fascinating to hear.

 

Could it be?

Could these feelings be a part of me?

The complexity of the music builds with my years.

The major and minor coincide, sometimes mixed with tears.

Detected in the music is struggle.

But it is beautiful.

 

The sighs of the song express my soul.

The music moves when words can’t be told.

There are common motifs that appear throughout the piece.

The tempo, dynamic, and rhythms increase.

There is a motive I don’t want to hear.

When it comes I tell it “You don’t belong here!”

 

Through the music alone it can communicate.

I won’t let it pass through consciousness’s sub-state.

Every so often it appears through my writing.

But that is rare, and when it does get out it’s fighting.

I don’t like to talk about it out loud.

In my mind, those feelings shouldn’t be allowed.

 

I can’t put into words the rest of my thought’s dealings.

I was asked to write a poem about my deeper existing feelings.

So I sit down at my keyboard and I start to play.

I start with a catchy major melody, then I change.

I shift into the relative minor, playing slowly at first.

Then I play louder and faster, in a slowly erupting burst.

 

I play with i-VI-VII-i, each verse a little different.

When I’m playing the feelings are let out, not belligerent.

As I play, I begin to hear the thoughts.

I begin to decipher the hidden plots.

There is anger there, and loneliness and lies.

I have been afraid to face them, those feelings in disguise.

 

I am angry that I have MS and that I am limited so.

I am angry that so many people can do so much, and they don’t even know.

I am angry that I feel so alone with this.

The fact that no one understands and I feel diminished.

I am angry that I have to take so much extra care.

It’s been trial and error, I am constantly aware.

 

So many lies attack when I let the MS overwhelm.

Against it I feel powerless, it is the helm.

I feel defeated and helpless, where is hope?

There are things that I can do—but not mope!

I can never see the effects of my proactive-ness.

At least not soon enough, which leads to distress.

 

Whenever I’m in a bad mood, I need to lift up my eyes.

Slowly and softly, the melody slows, the major mode is revised.

I am weary of this disease that I’ve had almost a decade.

I’ve tried to deal, but I just ignore because I’m afraid.

I can’t do it by myself, I need my Lord.

He is my help and salvation, my rock and sword.

 

As I continue to play, I start to smile.

The beauty of this song makes everything worthwhile.

 

Written 3-24-13, Anna Olson [As a note, I played piano a lot in the process of writing this.  It repeats some things that I’ve said in other poems and posts, but it is real and it is there!]

Angry?

“In your anger, do not sin.” Ephesians 4:26a

A lot of my life, I’ve viewed anger as something negative.  My high school years were full of blow-up-like expressions of my anger and frustration.  So, I didn’t handle it well.  There’s a scene in “Enchanted” when Abigail Adams’s character is a happy princess from animation, and she’s never experienced anger before.  When she does experience anger and realizes what it is, she starts laughing because it’s something new, but then goes back to being angry again.  One of my friends at Gear Up asked why God even gave us that emotion.  Anger is not bad if we funnel it where it’s supposed to go.  It’s only bad when we handle it wrongly.  If we sin by how we handle our anger, then it’s bad.  But just having anger isn’t.  Does that make sense?  I went to a counselor when I was in elementary school because I didn’t handle anger well.  That was the counselor who introduced me to writing it down to get it off my chest.  Writing has become such a huge part of my life now.  I may or may not have written through a few pages I was pressing my pen into the paper so hard while I’m writing angry.  I go through journals like crazy, but now, when I express my anger there, I pray, as well.  In these last few days, even, I realize how much praying about my anger and turning to the Lord helps me to not blow up.  As bad.  It certainly cleans up the mess and doesn’t cause me to break anything that I’d have to pay for, anyway.  Satan loves when we blow up and hurt people or things with our words or actions when we’re angry.  In the Avengers, Bruce Banner eventually reveals his secret at how to contain and control the Hulk: he’s always angry.  I think many of us have a green monster than emerges when we’re angry, but if we use it to battle the bad guys instead of our friends, it can be good.

I am angry that more people don’t know or won’t even accept the gospel.  But I won’t blow up about this.  It is motivation to go out and fulfill the great commission, sharing the love of the Lord.  I am angry that I have Multiple Sclerosis.  It took me a long time and a semester full of weekly visits to a counselor’s office to admit that, but it’s true.  I’m angry, but I’m not bitter about it.  I can funnel it into good someday.  (Not sure how yet, but it’s in my head and in the works there.)  I get angry when people say hurtful things to me, but I have learned the power of the Lord through that, too.  Okay, so I’m still learning, but I’m getting better about it.

Do you get angry?  Do you let the monster emerge or laugh at the experience?  Okay, nobody laughs when they’re angry.  Unless they’re pretending not to be angry at someone and “brushing it off as sarcasm” (guilty).  It’s not wrong to be angry!  It’s human.  It’s what you do with the anger that’s important.

Smiling cuz I’m not angry at the moment, Anna =)^2