So….I opted not to work today. Being a substitute teacher, you can decide things like that. I had fruit loops, spent time with Jesus, and Skyped with my man. But you know what I realized?
I FEEL GUILTY TAKING TIME FOR ME. Seriously. If I’m not busy being productive and-or doing things for other people, I feel like I’m a lazy pile who is doing nothing. And I am doing things. All the time. Last night when I got back to the 101 after giving a late lesson, my roommates were waiting for me to celebrate LJ’s birthday for real. So, we had cupcakes and watched a movie. I hung out with some of my favorite live-in girlies and giggled and talked and cuddled ‘cuz we’re cool like that. And at 11pm, I went online and turned on “do not call” for sub jobs today. And I felt guilty. So, I woke up at 7, and stayed awake until I got up, and was productive. But now I’m writing a blog post, and frankly, this is taking away from my productivity and all-around list of things I should ACTUALLY be doing.
Why? If I don’t keep my word and show up when I say I will, GUILT. Even if I pretend I forgot and am hanging out with friends or something, if they call me, DROP EVERYTHING and convince myself that pretending to forget was a stupid idea in the first place. I better still show up.
There is a word that I didn’t really know the meaning to until I was almost done with college: NO. You ask me to do something, and I will agree to it. I mean, I said “no” when I had a super good, legitimate excuse. This then turned my having MS into something that I felt guilty about, as well. How can I come to terms with the disease if it has turned into an excuse? You see my problem. I pretend I don’t have MS until I notice it and it gets worse. Or until I don’t want to do something, so I use it as an excuse. AHHHHH!
You see the problem here. I physically can’t do things because of the MS. I have to get more sleep than the average 23-year-old, I can’t move furniture or carry heavyish boxes, and I need time to re-fuel in my day (take a break, crash mid-day, whatever). I hate not hanging out with my roommates when they all get home, ‘cuz it’s the only time we can hang together. I hated not being able to help move percussion equipment in college because I didn’t have any energy after and I felt like I was being lazy. You know where this feeling originally came from?
Those who CAN’T and those who WON’T look the same on the outside. You never know, maybe I just don’t want to move these things even though it’s a responsibility of mine because I’m LAZY. Maybe I just want to go to sleep earlier than everyone else because I’m a FUN-KILLER. Maybe I modify everything super a lot because I’m too LAZY and don’t feel like WORKING HARD enough. My BIGGEST pet-peeve is when somebody CAN do something, but DOESN’T, because I CAN’T and WANT TO. If I could, I would do everything. But maybe that’s why I can’t.
I always look on the bright side (because I’m from the upper Midwest AND an optimist, believe it or not). Maybe my inability to do everything is a blessing, because if I could I would. Maybe my need to relax and re-fuel for my physical energy are what I actually need for my emotional and spiritual self, as well. Maybe I’m not working today so I can have this argument in my head and in response publish this blog post instead of doing laundry right now (because that is needed BEFORE I go to bed, seriously).
Frankly, I don’t care if this post is “liked” or “shared” at all, because I think I just needed to write this for me more than anyone. I’m gonna go do something that I deem “productive,” but maybe I’ll take time to stray away from my to-do list today. Who knows?