Looking at genealogy, you see the whole story. When and where a person was born, where they were during various censuses (cenci? censes?), when they got married, what children they had, and when and where they died. More recent generations, you can see what they did in their lives, all that they accomplished and what kind of people they were. When we were going through pictures for the century farm party, my mom and I found diaries my great-grandma Myrtle had written: one from her first year at S.A.U.M. (School of Agriculture at the University of Minnesota), another from when she and her husband, Nuel, went on a road trip across the country, staying with relatives from Minnesota to Washington and down to Arizona, and I haven’t looked at any others. There are only like one or two more. Anyway, so I see her life. It’s done.
And then here’s me. I don’t get to see my life, there’s no trailer for it or anything. I won’t see it until I’m old and can’t remember it anyway. And I’m only 22. I KNOW I have a lot of life left to live. THAT is my biggest area of impatience. Yes, I have one more semester, and I’m student teaching. Then what? Will I teach? Write? Go to seminary? Will I get married and have kids (I want to someday)? Who? When? Where will we be? What will I be doing? What will I be able to do and not do because of the MS? I think that this has always been my biggest weakness, my biggest stumbling block. I just want to know. Then I’ll feel better. But I have to remember that instead of knowing, I have to TRUST. When I completely changed my mind, deciding not to do music therapy, and therefore not really knowing what I’ll be doing, I said it was okay, God will tell me before I get there. But it’s nearing! TRUST. God may not tell me before I get there, but if I trust him, he will place the steps in front of me when I take the step. And if I fall and something bad happens, he will help me up if I depend on him. Right now, I feel like there are many things I want to do. I’ll just try it all, maybe, before it’s super important to have a steady job. I’m getting distracted. Trust.
Does anybody know how stinkin’ hard this is to do? Probably, because everyone struggles with it. A perfect relationship with God means that we trust him with every single thing and don’t worry at all. Obviously, it’s not as easy to do as it sounds (and it doesn’t even sound that easy). Anyway, I thought of this song, “Already There” by Casting Crowns. I may not know anything, but God knows it all. He knows every screw up I’ll make and what direction I’m going. He knows every single thing. He knows what I’ll be thinking in October when I’m student teaching in an elementary school, and he knows what I’ll be journaling like mad to him when I’m desperately trying to make a decision in December (hopefully it’ll be before that, but, you know, whatever). He knows where I’ll be next year (obviously, but I don’t), and he knows what I’ll be thinking ten years from now, whatever I’m doing. Ugh. It’s not that I don’t trust him with my future, it’s just that I don’t get to find out. No spoilers. Some of my profs told me “I can’t wait to see where you end up.” Same here. If anybody knows before me, could they tell me? (Smiley face)
This was another rant post, I think. Thanks for reading it, especially if you got down to here. Comment below, what do you struggle to trust or be patient for?