My last post talked about my pushing it a bit much sometimes. Well, today, I kind of did. Unintentionally, of course. Over the course of the last semester, I haven’t been using my left leg as I should for walking, and the muscles protest and are weak from misuse, causing walking anywhere to take extra energy. So that’s a problem. And guess what? It’s my own fault. I don’t like admitting it, but it is true. I’ve talked about pushing myself too hard, but there’s something else: I don’t always do exactly what I’m supposed to do. I grew up, falling into the mindset that everything was all on me and I had to behave and be a perfectionist so that things would go accordingly. Then, when I realized fully this whole freedom in Christ that I’ve had all along, I wanted to stop TRYING so hard. Because, I don’t have to work for salvation or for God’s favor; those are already mine. But then I fall into a dilemma. You see, if I TRY too hard at other things, I soon fall back into the mindset of TRYING and EARNING things in my spiritual life, as well. I’ve been in a battle for the last few years, trying to balance this. But in trying not to work for and earn anything from God, I don’t try and work for other things I don’t have control over, specifically, the multiple sclerosis. I am not complaining here, I’m just telling how it is. The things I would have to work for MS-wise? I don’t ever see the results for a least a week. I forget and I grow weary. I am busier than ever with life, and I can’t find time to do things when I still have energy to do them. When you’re only in your room long enough to get ready for the day, do homework, and sleep (unless you’re completely exhausted and just sitting), there’s not much motivation there. This is my biggest problem. (Insert depressing music in minor mode.)
Tonight, a friend texted me some verses to go with my last post, and I believe they work for this as well (thanks, Doug!):
Be content with what you have, because God has said, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.” So we say with confidence, “The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can mere mortals do to me?” (Hebrews 13:5-6)
I hear the song “Promises” by Sanctus Real singing, “Just hold on to the promises!” I am disciplined when it comes to other things, and it’s time to start taking initiative and not fear losing all my energy before the first half of the day, God help me (literally). I can’t do anything on my own, but when I give it to the Lord? When I say, “I’m going to do this, and I trust you’ll be there to catch me when I fall!” Eventually, that, too, will pass. What can MS do to me? It can try to bring me down, it can try to leave me in despair, but God is standing right next to me—he’s actually holding me up. “Never will I leave you,” he whispers. Everything is orchestrated out by God himself. He’s got me right where he wants me, crying out to him, because there is no way I can manage this on my own (and I know this). And what’s more, I praise God for using all these things, that I can more fully rely on him (because honestly, without him, I have no idea where energy would be coming from at all). So, I’m taking my eyes up off me and onto Him; onto the Perfect and Almighty God and Creator of All. There is no way the MS would ever get and stay under control unless God is working (he is). PRAISE HIM!