What?

“I don’t know if I want to teach.”  After some pretty awesome discussions with various friends and sisters in the US at the moment, I have been a blade of grass in the wind: yes…no….yes…no.  Last night after talking things out with the lovely Janae, I was more back to the “yes” part again.  And I began to reason why.  Writing my philosophy of music education paper has been helping in these thoughts, as well.  This morning, I put all my thoughts on paper in a momologue:

 

To teach, or not to teach, that is the question:

Whether ‘tis nobler in the mind to go crazy

The slings and arrows of endless music

Or to take arms against a sea of sporadic energy, attitudes, and moods

And by opposing avoid them.  To teach, to be a little crazy—

Yay more—and by crazy to say become the true music nerd I was born (always)

The headache, and the thousand natural shocks

That being a teacher in the public schools are heir to.  ‘Tis a consummation

Devoutly to be undesired.  To teach, to be too busy—

To be too busy, perhaps to bring on a physical catastrophe; nay, there’s my fear.

For in that catastrophe there is an unpredictable aspect

What would happen before and during recovery;

This is my hesitation.  There’s the faith

That I can’t find when it comes to these things.

For what problems are too big for my God?

None exists, for he is bigger than it all.

The pangs of fear, the doubt’s grasp,

The lack of confidence, and the hesitancy

That loom in the thought of being in a public school.

Who but my God could drown these out,

And fill instead with peace and confidence,

With grace?  Who but my God could carry me

Through any trials that come my way.

But that love of something there instead,

The music and students who explore it.

How could I abandon these and relinquish

To one that may not teach as well or

Give the opportunities I might provide?

This opposing thought puzzles the will,

And makes me lean the other way again.

I may not be the best at everything my classmates here are,

But I have different qualities that will be the best where I am.

I know not where I may be or what I’ll teach

But if the call comes through and I hear it, I’ll go.

With this regard the currents of doubt turn away

And lose themselves is my passion for the music.  – Soft you now,

The fair melodies and rhythms!  —  Future employers, in thy interviews

Be all my passions visible.

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2 thoughts on “What?

  1. Hey Darling,
    I know that we are in a really interesting point in our lives as we try to discover what comes after our undergraduate degrees. I find myself praying the same things as you, asking for direction and for a clear calling. I know that God will open the right doors for you, so do not be discouraged by your doubts. I can’t wait to be able to talk with you in person, hopefully at some point over the holidays!
    Miss you and your incredible energy!

    1. Yes, yes. One of my friends here at school was asking about it, and I answered with a “probably.” “You’re really torn, aren’t you?” she asked. I didn’t even say anything else! Yes, torn is the word. Anyhoo, I’m real excited to talk to you in person, as well! Praying for YOUR after school direction, as well!

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