Letting You in My Walls…

I was diagnosed with MS when I was thirteen years old.  It will NEVER define me.  People who know me don’t see my limp anymore, unless it’s worse than usual.  People who know I have MS forget because I don’t let it get me down and I am positive a lot of the time.  I don’t let people see in on the secret that every single day has its own struggle.  I cover up the knowledge that I’m getting a teensy bit worse with a smile.  If I could, I myself would forget about the disease, as well.  But it becomes more difficult to manage when I pretend it’s not there.  If I tuck the disease away for a time, its shadow gets bigger and bigger until I can’t handle it by myself anymore.  And then who besides God do I tell?  Will anybody hear me?  Will anybody help me?  Who can do something about it? I do not want to be treated differently.

Anna, I hear.  You’re not being selfish by letting others know your struggles.  You find joy in comforting others who are struggling.  Let them find joy in comforting you.  Asking others to pray for you is not selfish, either.  It’s what I want you to do.

At the words I am reminded of my hope and the reason for my positivity: Jesus.  No, I can’t physically keep up with others.  I let them encourage me or give me a piggy-back ride.  However, I can spiritually run alongside someone else.  I can encourage them and lead them to one who is stronger than me who won’t hesitate to lift them into his arms to carry them: Jesus.

I worry because I don’t know what each day will bring, especially regarding the MS.  But Jesus whispers, Pass it over here to me.  When I do, it does not weigh me down any longer.  I get frustrated because I have more responsibility than I want; have had this responsibility for too long.  But Anna, I hear, it doesn’t have to be such a big responsibility if you keep letting me help.  So I pass that over to my Lord, as well.  There are people who care about you, Anna.  Let them in.

So I make a list, because I’m good at those.  In my list, I give reasons why I’m frustrated.  I share that even though people don’t notice my limp anymore, I do, because it’s hard walking with a limp.  I share how quickly weakness sets in and what that sometimes affects.  I share my frustration of the symptoms I deal with that nobody sees, the ones I don’t like to talk about because nobody understands them.  I make another list, a list of lies that I’ve been believing, lies that transform into stress that in turn affects my symptoms.  I make a final list, a list of ways that could help people experience and try to understand.  But who would want to make themselves physically tired and then walk around with a weight around their left ankle, just to feel how heavy it gets by the end of the day?  Who would want to wear gloves doing everyday activities just to experience my daily struggles?

I am reminded once again of the fire that burns inside now, the fires of my passion and love for my savior and redeemer, Jesus Christ.  I’ve struggled, too, I hear. And you have me.  No struggle shall overtake you, for I am bigger than it all.  And I PROMISE that we will get through this—together.

Jesus Christ is my reason for everything.  He is my shield and my refuge.  He is my strength, and he is my smile.

 

“Always” by Passion

 

My foes are many
They rise against me
But I will hold my ground
I will not fear the war
I will not fear the storm
My help is on the way
My help is on the way

Oh, my God
He will not delay
My refuge and strength always
I will not fear
His promise is true
My God will come through always
Always

Trouble surrounds me
Chaos abounding
My soul will rest in You
I will not fear the war
I will not fear the storm
My help is on the way
My help is on the way

I lift my eyes up
My help comes from the Lord

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3 thoughts on “Letting You in My Walls…

  1. Hi Anna……thank you for being so open and honest about your challenge with MS and for sharing how in spite of your present reality, you love Jesus and hold tenaciously to your faith. My Pastor’s mother who is in her seventy’s was recently miraculously healed of MS so continue lifting up your eyes unto the Lord and know that He is Jehovah Rophe the Lord who heals. Be encouraged to keep standing, keep believing, keep trusting, keep praying and know that He loves you and will never allow you to go through more than you by His grace are able to bear. Shalom!……Kim

    1. Thank you for this comment! It’s so encouraging! Yeah, others have told me testimonies about people who have been healed of MS. I actually was invited to meet a guy who is coming to my campus tomorrow who personally holds such a testimony! I believe my God can do ANYTHING. I’m at a point in my life when I’m trying to figure where I fit into God’s plan. I believe whenever God decides to heal me of MS, whether in this lifetime or when I see him face to face, it will be where he wills it. I can use it for his glory while I have it, but if he heals me of it? That will be for his glory, too!

      Thanks again for the encouragement!

      1. You’re most welcome Anna. You are blessed with a wonderful and resilient spirit. I come in agreement with your prayers for clarity re: where you fit into God’s plan, I know He will reveal it to you in His time. Continue to be the light and the inspiration that you are……..Shalom!….Kim

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